mickey_rourke_web.jpgSure it’s in 3-D. It’s also awful. Blood-choked, depraved, gross and illogical Immortals begins centuries after the world thought everyone was indestructible, then realized they could kill each other, then proceeded to try in an epic battle.


The winners of that battle become the gods of Greek mythology, such as Zeus (played by Luke Evans), Athena (Isabel Lucas), Poseidon (Kellan Lutz), Aries (Daniel Sharman), and Helios (Peter Stebbings).

The losers become the Titans locked up inside a gigantic rock. The opening scene shows these evil-looking, ashy people inside a really pretty marble-and-gold cube, bound and forced to bite down on a long stick. Creeped out, yet?

Screenwriters Charley and Vlas Parlapanides’ story is about Zeus having chosen Theseus (Henry Cavill) to combat evil personified: King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke).

Hyperion is so evil he wears horns as a part of his armor, disfigures the men who join up with him and has them wear hideous masks. He is trying to release the Titans, for reasons not particularly clear.

The story is an attempt to give Rourke a role into which he can really sink his teeth. Someone forgot to make sure the story isn’t monstrously cheesy, if not at times stupid.

Tarsem Singh, who also directed The Cell, fails to make the story come alive onscreen, instead offering off-putting battle sequences with bashed and severed heads shot in 3D.

Unfortunately, the men bear the brunt of the film’s misogyny (spoiler alert!), subjected to eye-gouging, bashing of their members and scarring of their faces so that they look like King Hyperion.

Because Cavill is a good actor, his career has taken off since his days as Charles Brandon on TV’s The Tudors, (he will play Superman in Man of Steel). There was a letdown in Immortals, however, likely due to poor directing.

Pinto is well cast but isn’t given material good enough to make her character

interesting. Instead she’s hamming it up as a virgin oracle who prays with her sisters in what looks like a sexy séance.

Evans gives a decent performance as beleaguered king/father of the gods Zeus. Yet his presence is so underused that it almost doesn’t make sense.

Don’t waste your money on this son of 300, the 2007 film by the same producers. Immortals looks more like a nightmare than an action film.

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PHOTO: Photo courtesy of Jan Thijs

Mickey Rourke: Stars as King Hyperion.