Tell the truth? Or hide affair from fiancée?
Dear Dr Monique,
I am in a loving relationship with my girlfriend and we are about to get married. The problem is that I recently ended an affair I was having with a friend of mine who I used to label as my “dream girl” in high school. She became single shortly after I committed myself to my girlfriend and I felt like I had to know if I still had feelings for her. It turned out that I didn’t. Should I tell my now fiancé about this affair and my reason for doing this?
Dear Confused Fiancé,
I appreciate your introspection in determining the reason for your affair. However it is unfortunate that you had not shared your concerns with your girlfriend prior to the affair. Nevertheless, in this case I suggest better late than never. I believe your girlfriend deserves the opportunity to decide if she wants to continue her relationship with you despite the affair. If she does choose you, you have the comfort of knowing that she appreciates you even with your shortcomings. If she decides against the relationship the lessons learned and your clear conscience will prepare you for your next relationship.
Dear Dr. Monique,
I am a father of a 9-year-old boy and I am currently in court with his mother for custody of my son. Whenever he comes over to spend time with me, he cries because he wants to go back to his mother and I don’t know how to handle it. It hurts me because the court may very well give me custody because she has been recently diagnosed with a mental illness. Should I give in to my son and send him to his mother whenever he cries or should I continue to reassure him that he is safe with me?
Dear Worried Father,
Your concern for your son is evident in your question. I am not sure if you are on speaking terms with your son’s mother but if you are not I would utilize a mediator to find out more about your son such as his likes and dislikes. Perhaps you can utilize this knowledge to create activities which will make his time with you more enjoyable and decrease the stress that the separation from his mother is causing him. As far as his future with you or his mother, mental illnesses are often treatable and if she is able to get the care that she needs to be a good mother, will denying her custody of your son be in his best interest? I encourage you to enlist the help of experts in the area, such as a psychiatrist, to help you determine the best living situation for your son.
Dear Dr. Monique,
I’m a former stripper and once an occasional call girl. My last boyfriend broke up with me when he found out and couldn’t understand this was my only way to avoid student loan debts. I’m now dating a nice, caring man and want to tell him but I am afraid he will leave me as well. Should I and what if he does? Will I ever find someone that will accept me for me?
Don’t Judge Me
Dear Don’t Judge Me,
I am glad that you have met a caring man after what I suspect was a painful ending to your last relationship. Although I admit it is a delicate matter I would advise you to be honest with this man about your past. By no means do you have to offer specifics or numbers but this is something that I think is better learned from you rather than anyone else.
I believe that if he truly values you and your relationship he will stay. If he chooses to leave then it suggests to me that he does not fully appreciate you. On a final note, I loved the movie Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. While there are no guarantees in life about whether or not anyone will meet the “right” person, I hope that this movie will offer you some inspiration.
Dr. Monique, an award-winning graduate of Harvard Medical School, completed her residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology at Georgetown University Medical Center in Washington DC. She has years of experience in counseling and discussing relationship issues. Ask her your questions at firstname.lastname@example.org