heart-logo_web.pngDear Dr. Monique, They say we should never go to bed angry with our spouse but I find it hard to cool off so quickly sometimes when my wife and I have a fuss. I cool off in my sleep and in the mornings when I’m ready to talk about it she seems to get cold during the night. Not sure how to handle arguments anymore. Please help. –A Loving Husband.

Dear Loving Husband,
The advice of never going to bed angry has served many a couple well and has done its part to contribute to the success of marriage so I must say I still recommend that you follow it. Furthermore, as you have alluded, when you sleep off your anger during the night, you are allowing your wife’s anger to fester and you are likely affecting her peace, well being and loving feelings towards you. I suggest you employ some techniques such as deep breathing, listening to soft music or taking a brisk walk to effect a quick “cool down.” Then make every effort to reconcile with your wife before you go to sleep. I suspect you not only will enhance the loving feelings between the two of you, but you both will have a much better night’s rest.

Dear Dr. Monique,
I’m really tired of guys who turn out to be good-for-nothings. I can’t understand why I keep making poor choices. Is it me or is the market just bad for men? Any advice will be greatly welcomed.
No Luck with Men

Dear No Luck with Men,
I am sorry to hear about your poor dating experiences. I think there is some truth in both the questions that you have asked. I daresay that the belief that “a good man is hard to find” is held by many single and sometimes even married women.

However on the other hand I also suggest that you take a cold hard look on your selection criteria. Are you choosing men against your better instinct in a quest to avoid loneliness? Make a list of criteria that you want in your mate and apply it to the men that you meet.

If your gut is telling you that he may not be as good as he seems, trust your instincts and walk away. Try to get to know the man that you are considering better before you allow the relationship to progress, and hold out for one that you really think is worth your while. I think in the long run your dating experiences will improve if you apply some of these strategies.

Dear Dr. Monique
My girlfriend wants to try the living together thing before we think about marriage. I grew up in a Christian home where this would be considered wrong. She thinks it’s modern times and sees no harm. Is she right about me being old fashioned?
Mr. Do the Right Thing

Dear Mr. Do the Right Thing,
Being old fashioned in certain ways does not mean that you are wrong. If you place a high value on not living with your girlfriend before marriage, I think you should hold true to your values and hopefully her feelings for you will allow her to respect your decision.  Furthermore, there is no proof that living together will enhance the success of your marriage. On the contrary it might do just the opposite.

Dear Dr. Monique,
I know this will sound cruel but I do not like my husband’s parents. He knows this but my dislike for them has grown so much now that I’m trying to hide it. They are extremely selfish, rude and think they need all the attention in the world. They even think we should visit them only at Christmas time for dinner. Please tell me how to handle this.
In-Laws from Hell

Dear In-Laws from Hell
I am confident in saying that you are not the first and will not be the last wife who has a problem with her in-laws. For your husband’s sake I agree that you may not want to be too vocal or demonstrative of this lack of affection.
These in-laws, however, seem to have provided the perfect answer for you. If they only want to see you at Christmas time for dinner, you can graciously oblige them and allow your husband to schedule additional visits with them on his own at his convenience. This eases the stress that additional visits may cause you but still allows your husband to have bonding time with his parents.

Dear Dr. Monique
I found out my girl lied to me about being a virgin and to be honest, I think this is why I fell in love with her in the first place. Now I’m wondering what else she’s lying about. I’m really not sure how to trust her moving forward. Do you think I can?
On the Fence Guy

Dear On the Fence Guy,
While I do not condone your girlfriend’s choice to lie to you about this matter, I will also add that often as human beings we sometimes hide the truth or downright lie to a love interest to make a better impression. Unfortunately sometimes our efforts can backfire.  That being said if her virginity was the only reason you fell in love with her I think you should seriously evaluate your true feelings towards her. If you still believe that you love her, I think you should try to forgive her and give her the opportunity to rebuild your trust. If however you discover that your interest in her has waned, you should perhaps do both yourselves a favor and let her go.

Dr. Monique, an award-winning graduate of Harvard Medical School, who completed her residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology at Georgetown University Medical Center in Washington DC., has years of experience in counseling and discussing relationship issues. Ask her your questions at drmonique@sfltimes.com